Iceman

Well, people…. The time has come. The day has finally dawned when too many things are being said as to the viability of the Problem Page. It's a dark time indeed for all concerned.

Look at the quiz box thingy below. This is a voting box. You will be voting on the future of the Problem Page (or rather, whether it has one or not). You have three choices; Yes, No or Don't Care. As long as the Yes vote gets 51% or more of the vote, then the Problem Page will continue. Any other result will mean the axe falls…

THIS is real democracy, kids! I urge you to use your right to vote. If you didn't vote when you arrived here, go back and do it now! Personally, I don't particularly care which way you vote, as long as you do… …we have a tracker on this site, I want as many votes as are visitors to this 'Zine.

If this is to be the last ever Problem Page, I'd sincerely like to thank all those who DID actually bother contributing in some way (Lee, Lord Lochlomond, and DJ Audioslut, among others) during the life of the 'Page. I hope those who regularly read it managed to get some enjoyment from it, no matter how small. I'll see you all in the next life, as I'm working on a couple of websites right now, so my own should be up somewhere before the end of the millenium. Watch this space…

In the meantime, last issue I posed a question about sci-fi TV which absolutely no-one got right, because no-one bothered their arses to answer. With respect, I can't be arsed giving the answer.

To those who ask, the icemaiden's pregnancy is going well so far. As yet, we don't know which flavour the impending icepole will be. The chilblain is doing fine also. Till the next time…

Dear Sir.

I have heard that you are the man to cure my problem. I hope the rumours are right, this time. When me and my polar bear (called Baldrick) are doing our weekly looting, burning and plundering ritual in the villages here in West-Scotland, my polar bear has started to become very anti-social and destructive. Last Friday, when we wiped Helensburgh off the map and burned down a church full of women & children, Baldrick started to act very strange. In the middle of this delightful looting and killing, Baldrick suddenly chased a cat up in a tree. I was very saddened by this very, very destructive action. Cats are innocent, intelligent creatures. His action destroyed a rather fine looting and arson job on Helensburgh. Please help me with my problem. This problem threatens to destroy a rather fine looting and burning season. My heart goes out to that cat and I do not want to see more destructive actions from Baldrick, my polar bear. I do not want to see my polar bear become a destructive creature.

Please help me !!! I can no longer live with this problem.

(I am also selling 452 kg. of pure gold, 1,238 kg. of pure silver. 3 kg. of diamonds. 2,009 litres of whisky + various other surplus goods)

Oh dear. The axe is hovering over the Problem Page because no-one writes to it (well, four times in two years), and suddenly, someone does!!! Sod's law, I suppose. I can tell by your opening sentences, sire, that you have tried to cure this problem before. It's good to know that my reputation has finally crept as far as West Scotland, although I fear that this could be the last installment of helpful advice. Perhaps by the time you read this, you'll have reached the borough of Dumbarton… I have to disagree with you about cats. Don't you realise that they are the Devil's Spawn? You're far better off with a dog, but I suppose a polar bear will have to do. You don't mention whether or not Baldrick has any other symptoms… for example, does he chase a coach & horses down the carriageway, does he suddenly like to curl up in front of the fire and does he whine when you leave his sight??? I suspect that one or more of these are true. I think you'll find that you'll have to have him castrated to clam him down. As for you selling your goods via my Problem Page, you'll find an olde market in the centre of town where you can hock your goods… I think it's called The Barras… ICEMAN

Well, that was the only problem sent in this issue. As for me, you'll have a rough chance of catching me at either Caledonian University Union (Glasgow) on alternate Fridays, or Edinburgh's Calton Studios for The Mission; both feature the amazing DJ Audioslut on the decks. Alternatively, I'll be schmoozing with the big knobs at the Cathouse Birthday Bash this Thursday (4th November). This premier event is ticket only, I'm afraid. After all kiddies, we have to keep the plebs out, don't we? At time of going online, I'm awaiting news of a couple of complimentary tickets to see the Fun Loving Criminals at the Garage next month, including entrance to the star-studded after-show party at g2. Well, I guess that's what happens when you don't answer my daft wee competition questions… looks like I'll have to use up the prizes instead. This could well be goodbye, so maybe I'll see you there, maybe I won't… in the meantime, keep a lookout for my website "Iceman's Igloo". See Ya

Iceman, Icemaiden, the Chilblain, the (impending) Icepole, Skatch the sabre-toothed icecat, and Elvira (hamster of the dark).

Tell me your problems

DISCLAIMER:- Iceman cannot and will not be held responsible for any general shitty goings on in your life after following his advice. SO THERE!!